When it comes to spying and surveillance the US firmly holds the crown.
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One hard thing to explain to teens and twens is how legitimately exciting it used to be when someone would wheel in an overhead projector.
If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared, what would be the most difficult thing to explain about life today?
One answer:
“I possess a device in my pocket that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers.”
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Q: How many tech-support folks does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: We have a light-bulb here, and it works fine. Can you tell me what kind of bulb you have? - OK. There could be four or five things wrong. Now, have you turned the light switch off and on?
I told the kids I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
So they unplugged my computer and threw out my wine.
An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol.
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The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888. So when someone asks for it, tell them it’s 12345678.
What do you call a computer mouse that swears a lot?
A cursor!
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I was born in 1950, but I didn’t just suddenly appear. I lived it. It was an exciting time to be alive, especially now. But I must say I am glad to be towards the end of journey, and not just starting. I feel very anxious for my 3 Great Grandsons.
Pudge
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Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Ruth pulled out a condom, cut off the end, slipped it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
“What’s that?” asked Gilda.
“A condom,” Ruth replied. “This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”
“Where did you get it?”
“You can get them at any drugstore,” Ruth said.
The next day, Gilda hobbled herself into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looked at her strangely – she was, after all, over 80 years old – but very delicately asked what brand she preferred.
“Doesn’t matter, son,” Gilda answered, “as long as it fits a Camel.”
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After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker’s technical support line for assistance…
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There’s smoke coming from the power supply on my computer…
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply…
Customer: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files…
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it…
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command…
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician’s efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded…
Technician: I’m sorry. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but there’s an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem…
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line “LOAD NOSMOKE.COM” at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes…
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer…
Customer: It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking…
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22…
Technician: Well, that’s your problem. That version of DOS doesn’t include NOSMOKE. You’ll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out…
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again…
Customer: I need a new power supply…
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply…
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn’t compatible with NOSMOKE.
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NEW BIBLICAL REVELATIONS
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. (Incorrect spelling has been left in.)
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In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
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Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
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Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
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The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
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Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
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Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles
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Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
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The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
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The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
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The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
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Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
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The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
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David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, race of people who lived in Biblical times.
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Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
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When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
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When the three wise guys from the East side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
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Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
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St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
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Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.”
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It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
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The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
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The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
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One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
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St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
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Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Courtesy Stephen Knapp.
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A dying man gathered his lawyer, doctor and clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.
A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.
By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.
The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman’s sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.
By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. “I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.”
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