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A Game of Telephone
A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up.
His boss asks him, “Jeez, what happened to your ears?”
“Well, yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron.”
“Well that explains one ear,” the boss replied, “but what about the other one?”
“I had to call the doctor!”
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A Short History of Medicine:
“Doctor I have a headache.”
2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is a demon, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is a superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”
IN RABBIT HEAVEN
Once there was a married couple who promised each other that who ever died first would come back to tell the other what heaven was like. It happened to be that the husband died first. And sure enough, one evening the wife heard the voice of her husband, and she asked him, so what was it like.
He began to describe, “Well, first I get up in the morning and have an organic salad, then I have sex, then I eat again, then in the afternoon I have more sex. Then I have another meal of natural food, and again have more sex in the evening before I go to sleep.”
The wife was quite surprised at this and asked, “So that is what it is like in heaven.”
The husband replied, “Who said anything about heaven? I’m a bunny rabbit in Kansas.”
THE SCIENTIST AND GOD
A scientist approaches God, and says to Him, “Look, God, we don’t need you anymore. Nowadays, we can do all sorts of things that used to be considered miraculous. We can transplant organs, giving new life to a dying man, we can cure almost any disease, and we can even clone animals. It won’t be long, and we’ll be able to clone humans, too. So, I’m sorry, but you are just outdated”.
God listens patiently to the scientist and says, “I can see that you believe you don’t need me, and I understand. However, I love you, and I don’t want to see you make a big mistake, so why don’t we make sure? I say we should have a man-making contest, just to be sure.”
The scientist replies, “I’ll take that challenge”.
So, God says, “Ok, let’s do it the way I did it in the old days, with Adam and Eve”. The scientists says, “No problem”, and reaches down to scoop up a handful of dirt.
“Whoa, hold on there a minute”, God says. “You get your OWN dirt”.
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Arizona bikers were riding South on the US-93 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge. So they stopped:
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the StateTrooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says. “Hey Baby, whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?”
She says tearfully. “I’m going to jump!”
While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” George also didn’t want to miss this “be-a-legend” opportunity either so he asked. “Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, why don’t you give ole George here your best last kiss?”
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper and then says. “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That’s a real talent you’re wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you jumping?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing like a girl.”
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Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old man walked by.
One of the old ladies called out, saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man responded, “There is no way you can.”
One of the women said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.
They asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three ladies happily yelled in unison… “We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
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I have now purchased a senior navi. It tells me not only the route and destination from … but also what I wanted …
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My buddy told me that his girlfriend had a shell tattooed on the inside of her thigh. When he now puts his ear on it, he can smell the sea.
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